filling in the blanks

I just wanted to share this post that made a mark in my mind a few weeks ago. In part of the post, the blogger wrote out a conversation between himself and his wife, where they're just talking about their finances. This is sort of his summary on it:

...I think...the old cliché, "money talks" is true. Or rather, "money lies" and we listen to the things it says. When we talk about it, we're rarely talking about a piece of paper and usually talking about other things.

I think we're all aware of that happening-- with money and with other things/issues-- but for me it was impactful to see the fears that clouded their conversation spelled out so clearly. This is the part of his post that struck me in particular:

My wife says:
"I think we need to spend some time going over our budget again. We might need to adjust a few things."

I hear:
"You are failing as a provider and a father and a husband. In fact, I'm pretty sure if you weren't so short we'd be able to reach more money in the money trees."

I say:
"I don't like looking at the budget. I find it really confusing."

My wife hears:
"I'm abandoning you on this issue. You're the fun police. My job is to spend the money and enjoy myself as if there's no limit. Your job is to control all the money and then to tell me how much we can't spend and be the financial killjoy in our house."

Did we say those things? Not really, but money loves filling in the blanks...

The thing that strikes me about their conversation is how they're both so afraid. It comes out in their thoughts as dismay and anger, but if they didn't both first fear the worst, they wouldn't end up there. They both seem to feel responsibility thrust upon them by the other, which strikes each of them as unwarranted, unfair and either discouraging or infuriating. They both feel insecure. And neither of them trusts the other's intentions or opinions-- probably not because they actually think their spouse is a bad person, but because they're each afraid.

I doubt any of us are strangers to thoughts like theirs-- thoughts of suspicion, dismay, fear or anger at (what we perceive to be) someone else's motives or thoughts. But does this happen to you often? For me, thoughts like theirs come in when my fears step in as mediators between me and the world and start whispering that something bigger than just -- whatever -- is at stake.

On a conscious level, I think we all know this, but it's something I'm still learning more deeply: fears are ineffective, and untrustworthy, mediators. They usually have their own agenda, and it's usually something to do with self-preservation. And if, over time, you've come to trust them in that role, they will often convince you you're being attacked when you're not. You'll begin to trust fear rather than other people.

I read in an article recently that although we have the ability to interpret each others' feelings and thoughts through gestures, words, and other verbal or physical expressions, we only interpret them accurately about 20% of the time. Can you believe that? It seems like we should be better at reading each other than that...even purely as a survival mechanism.

And I think we often assume we are better than that...or at least we try to be. But I wonder how often we're filling in the blanks with thoughts or motives that we fear, but don't know, to be true. (I know this could go the other way, too...assuming better things...) I guess we do all have to operate under a state of assumption a lot of the time, and I don't want to get into all that goes along with that...of course past behavior can be an indicator of present behavior, etc. But I guess my summary is, I want to change what, and who, I listen to. I want to trust other people more than I trust my fears.